Click on each link below to check out an exercises submitted by a former SWS Student and the feedback / interaction they had with their SWS Coach in their search for the perfect hook.
[content_toggle style=”1″ label=”Walking%20a%20fine%20line…” hide_label=”Hide”]
This thread addresses the line copywriters have to walk when writing “out there” copy and how to keep yourself on the right side of that line…
This thread is from Colin Joss’s class.
Mark’s Post:
Taking a spin… let me know if some are too out there.
Peace
Mark
1. “The Incongruous Juxtaposition”.
The staff all laughed behind the pudgy pregnant woman’s back… until she
asked these 3 questions…
Your brain is trying to Ruin your c-section!
Male doctor who couldn’t even prevent his wife from losing their baby
discovers ways to decrease your stress during pregnancy and have a healthy
baby.
2. “You Copy.”
What doctors secretly wish you knew about c-sections… but will never, ever
tell you to your face!
What doctors secretly wish you knew about c-sections… but will never, ever
have the time to tell you to your face!
What’s really involved having a c-section, but they will never, ever tell you to
your face!
3. “Litany of Disaster”.
Women with unnecessary c-sections, complications that lead to
hysterectomy, prolonged recovery, unable to be with their newborn… Learn
the 5 steps to avoid disasters.
http://www.simplewritingsystem.com/2010sws/vi…f=25&t=7705&start=0&st=0&sk=t&sd=a&view=print (1 of 4) [12/10/2010 11:21:41 PM]
Simple Writing System :: View topic – MarkZ Exercise#7 Hooks
Resisting at the wrong time can result to brain damage to your baby, while
asking the right questions at the right time could avoid a cesarean – learn the
3 questions to ask that make a difference.
The 5 most common mistakes and misconceptions about c-sections that could
lead to pain, unnecessary surgery, and harm to your baby.
Colin’s Response:
Hey Mark,
Good job.
The 3rd incongruous juxtaposition is the best. My concern is that it may be
too much for your prospect.
I’m gonna ask John to jump on this post and give his expert opinion.
Colin
Mark Landstrom (outside coach) comment:
Hi Mark,
I’m sure John will want to weigh in…
Calling in Lorrie or Stacie, wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
In several of the RANT’s (JC’s legendary news letter) he mentions soaking up
the “zeitgeist” (the general intellectual, moral, and cultural climate of an era).
On many American magazine covers there are main stories on celeb
pregnancies and deliveries – with details. My take – Women might be more
concerned, interested and conditioned to “straight talk” about child-birth than
men.
Mark’s Post:
Thanks.
I also have to walk a fine line due to political sensitivities at the name brand
name hospital where I work. WHile I have personally taken care of many
celebs you have read about, I can’t go there for obvious reasons.
Dr. Mark
Colin’s comment:
Hey Mark,
You may not be able to name names but I reckon it’s still something you could use.
Colin
John Carlton’s comment:
Hi Mark. I think this might help you:
When you’re faced with a situation where you must walk a fine line… in your
case here, being careful to stay within hospital rules, guidelines, etc…
… just make two lists, related to the main goal you have. One, the things
you want to do. And two, the things you don’t want to do. (Not what you
“can’t” do, but what you don’t WANT to do. For example: You don’t want to
lose your job over a misunderstanding. So, while you may push the rules
they have, you will cover your ass as you move forward. This is how careful
rebels operate — they break rules, but not in a way that has unforeseen
consequences. There are consequences, to be sure, but you can predict
them. As in: You might get hauled in front of the boss, but you won’t get
axed.) (Make sense?)
This two-list tool helps keep everything straight in your head. You can
substitute 3×5 cards for each item on the list, and mix and match as you
move through to your goal. The goal is mega-important: You must know
precisely WHAT you want to accomplish — in terms of results, long-term and
short-term.
Copywriters have to dance along the line all the time… between what a client
wants (which is almost always going to murder results) and what the project
NEEDS to succeed (which the client almost always is terrified of).
My clients, who I wrote all those killer golf ads for, made a very smart move
decades ago… and “took the leash off me”. Which means, they mailed and
ran every ad I wrote, without a peep. They were nervous, but they held their
tongue… and reaped the rewards. Almost ALL other clients fussed and
changed stuff to get back to their comfort zone… and it affected results.
The first step to navigating this “line” is to know exactly and specifically
where you’re stepping, and what’s to each side. Thus, the lists.
Hope this helps a little bit.
I actually like it so much, I might make it a blog post…
[/content_toggle]
[content_toggle style=”1″ label=”A%20little%20help%20(or%20maybe%20a%20lot)%20goes%20a%20long%20way…” hide_label=”Hide”]
This student has a good start but needs help developing his hooks. His coach shows him how to do it. John Carlton also comes in and helps out.
The thread is from Scott Haines’ class.
John’s Post:
A few ideas for hooks. These all tie into some element of the product or talent:
“The Day I Fired My Personal Trainer Is The Day I Finally Started Losing Weight”
“Your Weight Loss Is All In Your Head”
“If All There Was To Losing Weight Was To ‘Eat Less And Move More’ Then Why Am I Still Fat?”
“New Details On The Hunt For A Realistic Diet Plan…”
“Looking GOOD Again: Quickie workouts … Zero hunger … And sticking to the plan…”
“How A ‘Serial Dieter’ Found The Secret Ingredients To Sensible Weight Loss At
The Exhaustive End Of A Week-Long Las Vegas Donut Binge”
Scott’s Response:
Hi John,
There are a few seeds here and there. “Serial Dieter.” “Fired My Personal Trainer.” “Still Fat.”
However, you can pretty much scrap all of this. It might be good to watch the DVD again… and then… give it another shot.
could run with the stuff above, but I don’t want to do the exercise for you. Plus, I think you can do much better than this.
Best,
Scott
John’s Post:
Ok, Scott. Thanks for your feedback. Took a look at the DVD again. Here’s another shot:
“Overweight Nurse Accidentally Discovers Secrets To Permanent Weight Loss During Crazed Junk Food Melt Down, That Eliminates Uncontrollable Hunger Cravings, Worry Over Cheat Meals Gone Wrong, And Breaks The Yo-Yo-Diet Cycle For Good”
“Amazing Secrets Discovered By Serial Dieter Reveal Keys To Practical And Permanent Weight Loss, And Eliminates Need For Expensive Personal Trainers, Ridiculous Fad Diets, And Battles Of Willpower”
Scott’s Response:
Hi John,
Better than your first attempt, but still off. First, you’re not nailing it, so you’re using too many words to try and make up for that fact. Second, while these sort of seem like hooks with incongruent juxtaposition, they’re not. Example: “Overweight Nurse” is just a cliche. And I worry about the phrase “Serial Dieter”… because… I think most people won’t understand the term.
I’m going to ask Carlton to take a look, so hang tight. (By the way, this is how you sometimes have to grind these out to get to the good stuff.)
Best,
Scott
John’s Post:
Much appreciated, Scott. I’ve got no trouble grinding it out and taking more time with it. I’m not completely happy with what I’ve come up with either. I like it better than my previous attempts. But it’s not there yet for sure. It’s driving me nuts but I’ll put the work in to get it where it needs to be.
I think, maybe to some degree, I have to dig back into the research phase and go deeper into the talent story and product itself and mine out some more unique elements.
John Carlton’s Comments:
Hey, guys.
This is a tough market, because so many top writers over the decades have taken a shot at nailing hooks. One of Halbert’s early winners was simply “The Amazing Fat Loss Secret of a Housewife from Ohio.” Later, “The Diet Secrets Of A Desperate Housewife From Ohio.” Then, “The Amazing Diet Secrets of a Housewife Who Was Terrified of Losing Her Husband.”
What did NOT work in that market for Halbert was making fun of being fat. Or even being clever about it. But especially being funny — after he bombed with a huge campaign centered on mocking large people, he returned to the market with more empathy and insider understanding of the condition. Partly because he’d packed on around fifty extra pounds hisself.
I see what you’re after with “serial dieter”… but unless you’d bet your life on readers understanding it, don’t rely on it. If the market uses the term freely, then do use it. Use the language your readers are already used to seeing, in fact. Any hook you come up with should not introduce new terms or new ways of looking at the fundamentals of the market’s mindset. Just try, if you can, to juggle things up so you jar readers out of passive attention spans.
I actually like your very first three attempts. Firing a personal trainer is a hook, used how you’ve done this. But it may not connect with the majority of your audience (which is what I believe Scott was objecting to).
Without knowing the details of your product, does something like “I couldn’t lose weight to save my life until I got rid of every single piece of advice I’d ever heard… and finally stumbled on a shockingly-easy way to shed massive pounds (while still enjoying all the foods I love). Why is almost everyone in the diet biz just lying to us?”
You’re right to go back to the research part and kick around some new angles. It can be frustrating in a market so thoroughly saturated with offers like this one. The key, when you find it, will come from 3 things:
1. Discovering something truly unique (even if obvious) that the competition has somehow missed…
2. Recognizing a way to meet the deepest needs of your audience (something many weight-loss experts have pulled off by “connecting” with them on a personal basis… so results weren’t even important anymore — like that weird dancing guy in the short-shorts)…
3. Having some twist on the accepted wisdom that your product violates. Like “eat all you want, still lose all you want.” Which is impossible, of course, but that’s the holy grail…
No simple, easy answer here, John. Except yes, keep searching. Your first 3, though, would work in a pinch (as long as the follow up stories fulfilled the promise of the headline hook)…
John’s Post:
Hi, John. This is great. Very helpful insights. Much appreciated.
This is a pretty on-point notion: “I couldn’t lose weight to save my life until I got rid of every single piece of advice I’d ever heard… and finally stumbled on a shockingly-easy way to shed massive pounds (while still enjoying all the foods I love). Why is almost everyone in the diet biz just lying to us?”
So, a common question from the women I’ve interviewed is “What do you do when diet and exercise stop working? I’ve tried every diet under the sun and am still miserable. Feels like I’m stuck in ‘weight loss limbo’… doomed to be forever fat…”
And this is actually the headspace that the talent went through during her own struggles, before she quit her nursing job, burned her diet books, ditched her trainer, and found a more practical solution. Which actually ties into a main mechanism of the product; it deals heavily with ‘stress’ (both hidden and obvious), shows how when you start letting go of stress your body will start letting go of fat, and shows how diet and exercise can be ineffective and even counter-productive if you’re not aware of how various stress factors influence your body’s ability to maintain a healthy weight.
I’ve been reworking some things with the USP the past week or so and
am looking more at something like: I help women jumpstart their weight loss when diet and exercise stop working… Doesn’t require obsessing over every little thing you put in your mouth or dragging ass through another impossible workout. Works even if you’ve already tried every diet under the sun and worry about yet another “false start”.
I’m going to keep playing with the hooks over the weekend and post some more attempts here.
Scott’s Response:
Thank you John C. for the great insight.
And John B., you’re definitely getting there. I particularly like what you said here: “before she quit her nursing job, burned her diet books, ditched her trainer, and found a more practical solution.”
Thank about that this weekend, as well. And we’ll get back to it after the holiday weekend.
Best,
Scott
John’s Post:
Ok. Did some further mining. Found this little bit of interesting info from the Talent:
“I couldn’t control my weight. I had no energy, I Was depressed, I had ulcers and no other doctor could tell me why. As a nurse, this was heartbreaking. I knew something was “off” and this little old holistic healer in Vegas surprisingly told me to stop exercising right then and there and start eating like I had some common sense. I did and I’ve never looked or felt better in my life.”
Which is cool, because what she learned from the holistic healer forms the scientific and philosophic foundation for the product. So I was thinking for a hook:
====================
I couldn’t control my weight to save my life until I discovered…
“The Radical Weight Loss Secrets of a Las Vegas Healer That Made Me Quit My Nursing Job, Burn My Diet Books, Swear Off Exhaustive Exercise… And Never Look Back”
==========================
I was also playing with this one:
Conventional Doctor’s Simply Won’t Tell You This Stuff: Radical Weight Loss Secrets of a Holistic Healer Reveal Shockingly Practical Tricks For Shedding Permanent Pounds Without Exhaustive Exercise or Deprivation Dieting…
==========================
I’m feeling better about these than the previous ones.
Scott’s Response:
Very good, John. Way to dig for these. Which one is better, who knows? They are both very worthy of testing. One thing I like about them, is you can just jump right into the body copy/story. For example.
“As a former Registered Nurse, I can tell you that conventional Doctors won’t tell you these permanent (yet quite simple) weight-loss secrets.
“Why?
“Not because they don’t care, it’s just that they don’t know about them.
“Let me explain…”
Or something like that.
Again, very good job, John.
Best,
Scott
John’s Post:
Thanks, Scott. Very much appreciate your help in guiding me to keep digging. This has been an eye opening exercise. I agree with your point about jumping right into the story. When working on these I found I had to stop myself from writing a full lead, since these hooks naturally flowed into story copy. Which is actually a pretty cool insight. Most of the other ways I’ve been trying to work the hooks and come up with headlines resulted in a less organic flow into the story element.
Anyway, moving onward to the next exercise!
Scott’s Response:
My pleasure, John. You made a leap up a few notches on this one… and… it’ll pay off for you from now on.
Best,
Scott
[/content_toggle][content_toggle style=”1″ label=”Not%20A%20hook…but%20YOUR%20hook…” hide_label=”Hide”]
This student generates a lot of hooks, but his coach helps him see that none of them really fit his product. This thread is from David Reybold’s class:
Peter’s Post:
Hi David
Here are some hooks I have done and I look forward to your feedback.
– This one I have done several different versions of to get your opinion. I did some
research on the net and came up with the angle about disabled veterans using
computers and so on. So I thought that sounded pretty interesting and I noticed you
had done some work with Scott which I looked at too to get an idea of what to do
(thanks Scott).
1. How a critically disabled Green Beret Gulf War Veteran discovers an
incredible technique to slaughter your operating costs, blow away the
competition, and add at least 10% to 15% to your bottom line almost
overnight!
2. Amazing secret discovered by seriously disabled Green Beret Gulf War
Veteran slaughters your bottom line, blows away the competition, and adds at
least 10% to 15% to your bottom line almost overnight!
3. Amazing secret discovered by a critically disabled Green Beret Gulf War
Veteran that increases your bottom line by 10% to 15% and blows away your
competition almost overnight…And consistently gain the upper edge using
perfected deadly guerilla combat tactics by outsmarting those hackers and
competitors who are trying to kill your business!
I decided to take another approach and use a different scenario and see how that
worked. The ‘bankrupt single mum’ angle seemed really interesting to me so I had a go
with it.
How a bankrupt single mum stunned her family and friends by discovering an
amazing secret which drastically increased her bottom line, secured her online
business against financial failure from hackers, ruthlessly slaughtered costs
and thrashed her competition almost overnight!
I did the same with this using ‘a struggling Ex-Junkie’. The way I approached this was I
wanted the reader to get hooked by the intro then read on to see what was going on.
How a struggling Ex-Junkie after years of desperate frustration accidentally
discovered an amazing secret which obliterated his competitors to dust,
exploded his bottom line, crushed his costs, and silenced his critics almost
overnight!
Another variation but I am using different scenarios again but trying to stay as close to
my USP as possible.
Struggling senile old man using a little known tactic shocks his family by
boosting his son’s online business by 10% to 15% almost overnight, wiping
the floor with his competitors, shredding his costs to practically zero AND
ruthlessly routed a highly professional and organized hacking attack in
minutes.
The same for this one. I played with this one and once again different scenario.
How a 65 year old woman with crippling arthritis discovered a little known
secret which dramatically increased her online profits, absolutely terrified the
competition, dropped costs and successfully defeated the most ardent and
ruthless hacker every time.
Okay I admit I wanted to have some fun with these. I know David you work very hard
and are reading this type of stuff all the time. So enjoy, it’s just my sense of humour
How an Alien Abducted man returned overnight to find his online business
profits had exploded, routed his competition, slashed his costs and ‘bulletproofed’
his business against cold-blooded hackers who nearly sent him
stonily broke.
How a Zen Master without breaking a sweat effortlessly floors his pupils by
increasing the temple’s profits by 10% to 15%, humbling his competition,
casting-off his costs and then simply passing off some brutal hackers into
nirvana.
Thanks David
All the very best Peter Hamilton.
David’s Response:
Hey Peter,
These are good my friend, there are some very
solid hooks in there.
But I have a big question for you-
Which is YOUR hook?
The art of using a hook isn’t about creating the
best one we can, it’s about going deep into our
own product, into our history and life story, and
finding something that creates that “What the?!”
moment in our reader’s mind.
Make sense?
-David
Peter’s Post:
Hi David
Thanks for your feedback. The question you had for me was not ‘big’ but ‘huge’. I went
over the hooks I gave you and realized none of them I could really relate to. So that
was a bit of an eye opener for me, and that I needed to start again. So here is ‘my’
hook.
How a computer nerd and a fanatical war gamer accidentally enabled a failing
online marketer to discover an amazing secret to dramatically and successfully
improve his lifestyle and income almost overnight, nail the competition,
massively slash costs and obliterate deadly hacking attacks in minutes.
Thanks David.
All the very best Peter.
David’s Response:
Hey Peter,
Good job taking direction.
Nice attempt at a hook, but the issue
we’re having is that it’s missing what
John calls “the incongruous juxtaposition”.
For a reader, it’s probably not too surprising
that a self-proclaimed “computer nerd” figured
out something with computers.
If the guy was a 77 year old garbage man,
we may have something, but as it is it won’t
cut it.
So we need to go deeper. Think about yourself,
your history, previous life experience. What else
have you done? How else could you define you?
Or it could come from the product itself… is there
anything odd or weird about the product? What
make you come up with it?
It’s all about going deep with the research here, Peter.
Good luck, let me know what else you come up
with…
-David
Peter’s Post:
Hi David
Your feedback was a bit of a mind opener. When I read the part about the “computer
nerd” I guess I was too much into my hook to stand back and see the bleeding obvious!
Damn!
I did lots of research and thinking on this one. If this hook does not cut it, I will do this
exercise as often as I have to. So David here it goes.
How a dead broke 50 year old menial worker discovered an amazing secret to
becoming a millionaire, bulletproofing his growing fortune, and living a
glamorous lifestyle of his dreams almost overnight!
Thanks David.
All the very best Peter.
David’s Response:
Hey Peter,
Nice work.
We’re on the right track.
All we need to do now is give it more
credibility. I’d do that by going into
specifics… as it is, it’s a little general,
and runs the risk of sounding a little
overhyped.
Sometimes just a tiny dash of specificity
is all that’s needed to take it over the
egde.
-David
Peter’s Post:
Hi David
Thanks for the feedback, it was really helpful and insightful as well. Looking back at
the hook I think I got too close to it for my own good. I agree I was not specific enough
but at least I got back on track.
Once again I did more research, went through my notes, my Avatar and read through
my material just in case. This is what I came up with and I was far more specific in my
approach. I have toned down the big claims and made things more realistic.
How a dead broke 50 year old menial worker went to easy street almost
overnight…by discovering an amazing system which slashed his costs by 10%
or more, obliterated his competition through ripping out high-end products
more cheaply than ever before which boosted his bottom line! AND he could
deal with any threat from his competition or hackers in minutes with little or
no effort.
Thanks David.
All the very best Peter.
David’s Response:
Hey Peter,
Much better.
One tiny tweak to be aware of:
Making MORE money is always sexier
than saving money, and it’s always
more powerful to lead with your
biggest benefit.
So in your example, I’d talk about
boosting the bottom line first, and
then the other stuff.
Those are minor points though, so
go straight on to Step 8.
Time is
short…
-David
[/content_toggle]
[content_toggle style=”1″ label=”You%20must%20focus…” hide_label=”Hide”]
Here is an example of a student that needed focus, and it was provided by her coach. Some encouraging words from John Carlton, too.
This thread is from Harlan Kilstein’s class.
Rebecca’s Post:
If you’ve always been interested I real estate as a lazy man’s shortcut to wealth – well, ~Contact.FirstName~ YOU’RE RIGHT! Read on to discover how buying an apartment building will explode your cash flow – imagine your bank account expanding while you practice your golf swing
If a passive income stream makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, read on for how a first-time investor purchased a 40 unit, producing $5,000 a month IN CASH while she plays with her grandchildren
Be the hero for your family: find out how to create a legacy for your children’s children by owning an apartment building, without EVER speaking to a tenant or picking up a hammer
Are these hooks or bullets – not BAM-y enough?
I thought maybe this bullet could be a hook:
Crippled by debt, an unemployed Spanish teacher turned lazy assets that were costing him money every month into an INSTANT $1 MILLION and purchased a 23 unit apartment building that spits off $8,000 EACH MONTH IN CASH FLOW
Feel like these are not right, but can’t quite figure out why…
Harlan’s Response:
A hook is a concept such as a one-legged golfer.
It’s something that stops traffic.
Step away from the bullet factory for a moment.
Tell me in words – why should people stop dead in their tracks to read your offer.
Rebecca’s Post:
Ultimately:
We have changed our client’s lives in a real way – and we have dramatic examples…
We made our clients money – like set yourself up for life kind of money
Like you no longer have to work a 9-5 money
Like you are creating a business that could be a legacy for your children/grandchildren
Our clients have closed $55,000,000 of apartments in three years.
Chris is not a guru – he teaches what he does in his business every day
These are not hooks, I know, but I don’t know how to get there grrr…..
Harlan’s Response:
Grrr. Growling is a good way to start.
Do you mean to say, Chris teaches you how to create a business that will be a legacy for your grandchildren.
That’s quite a hook if you play with it.
Rebecca’s Post:
How will you be remembered? Chris can teach you how to build generational wealth one apartment building at a time, creating a family legacy for your grandchildren.
John Carlton’s Comments:
Hi Rebecca.Rebecca’s Post:
I just want to drop by and tell you how well you’re doing with the course. I’ve watched you blossom through a couple of previous threads, and I’m impressed. It’s GOOD that these lessons don’t come easily for you right off the bat, because you obviously respond to challenges with the exact attitude required of a damn good copywriter — engage with the challenge, wrestle it to the ground, and pummel it into submission.
If it takes a few attempts, and includes a few side trips down squirrel holes in the other direction, so what? There’s no such thing as a “wrong” move in copywriting as long as you don’t accept mediocre results and keep pushing toward the goal.
This thread is a good example. From all over the map, to a succinct and spot-on hook, over the course of just 2-1/2 days.
Very nice. You are definitely in the right place, and Harlan’s teaching style seems to be working like magic with you.
I don’t get to deliver kudos very often so early in the course. Thanks.
And keep working hard on this stuff. You’ve got a good groove going…
Rebecca’s Post:
John,
Thanks so much for the feedback – I occasionally do feel lost – but the trick of writing it out longhand, with cross-outs and all has made the difference – I can really SEE the process working.
I am passionate to learn this craft and will continue to push! Thanks again!
Rebecca
Harlan’s Post:
Okay Rebecca, let’s move on to the next session.
Nice going.
[/content_toggle]
[content_toggle style=”1″ label=”Sometimes%20all%20you%20need%20is%20a%20good%20coach…” hide_label=”Hide”]
This thread shows how even a good attempt can be improved by a good coach. It is from Kevin Rogers’ class.
Dana’s Post:
How does an out-of-shape 35 year old couch potato, with bad knees & 42 lbs
overweight, go from channel surfing 6 hours a day to murdering all the competition
in his first iron man competition…in 60 days?
Kevin’s Response:
Pretty good, Dana. You can make it even better by making it a statement instead of
a question and trimming some of the extra words.
See if you can tighten it up on your own without my meddling.
Dana’s Post:
Discover how this out-of-shape 35 year old couch potato with bad knees, went from
channel surfing 6 hours a day, to losing 42lbs and murdering all the challengers in
his first iron man competition…in only 60 days.
Kevin’s Response:
Very nice.
I like your eye for power words, but in this instance “murdering his competition”
almost sounds too literal. How can we balance the power here?
What about if he slashed 42 pounds and dominated the competition?
Discover how this out-of-shape 35 year old couch potato with bad knees, went from
channel surfing 6 hours a day, to slashing 42lbs and dominating all the challengers in
his first iron man competition…in only 60 days.
Kevin’s Response:
Good job, Dana. Don’t rely on it as your headline though… think fresh when you get
there.
Dana’s Post:
Thanks Kevin. Can’t use it as my headline? What the hell? I know it’ll make me
better, but this could work as a headline couldn’t it?
Kevin’s Response:
No free passes.
[/content_toggle]
[content_toggle style=”1″ label=”Almost%20perfect!” hide_label=”Hide”]
This is an example of a student who “got it” right away. The coach here is Kevin Dawson, who was able to give her a last-minute tweak to polish her hook.
Evelyn’s Post:
Here is one hook that I’ve rewritten three times. I wasn’t sure which one really hits
the nail on the head.
How a stay at home mom discovered a simple money making system and made more
money than her college educated husband.
How a stay at home mom earns more money than her college educated husband.
How a busy, stay at home mom earns more money in her spare time at home than
her husband does working over 60 hours a week at his corporate job.
Eve
Kevin’s Response:
Hi Eve,
#1 and #3 rock! #2 is a little blah by comparison. I think a combo of 1 and 3 two
would be really strong. Something like:
How a busy, stay at home mom discovered a simple system that makes more money
in her spare time than her husband, who works 60+ hours a week at his corporate job.
It’s kind of long-winded, but it has all the necessary elements to make it appealing.
Good job on your first try!
[/content_toggle]